Skip to main content

So Small

There is something indescribable about receiving a malignant diagnosis that can make you feel so very empowered and at the same time so small and inconsequential.

When I learned that something has gone wrong within my body, this vessel that I have been in command of for my entire life, that now I hoped that I have taken sufficient care of yet somehow failed, I was terrified.  Once I got my ducks in a row, somehow formulated an appropriately aggressive plan and began to execute it, the storm grew still.  Once the dust settled and I felt the validation of my choices in the eyes of my medical team, I grew more confident.

You may feel your spirits grow, and you will certainly find that you will take almost immeasurably less crap from almost everyone than you did before.

Here's to taking less crap!

XO

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Fall, 2020

 And just like that, six years have come and gone. The years have seemed typical, I suppose, with laughter and love and friends and family.  We have watched our son grow (and grow and grow) into an incredible young teenager.  I have felt strong(ish), healthy, and whole.  I have worked with countless patients, volunteered excessively, and lived life, always trying to be the best wife, mom, and friend. I have also been uncomfortable.  I have felt, for the last six years, like my chest has been wrapped in the tightest industrial cellophane or tape you could imagine.  I have been unable to do even one pushup.  I have been unable to regain my shoulder flexion (overhead) strength, and I even tore my acellular dermal matrix (ADM or mesh) in a Pilates class.  I have been unable to lie on my stomach.  I have lost countless hours of sleep.   I have been unable to receive any MRI imaging to check for implant integrity, which was recommended wh...

Summer 2023

Amazing how time flies, right?  The days are long, but the years are short.  For probably the fourth time this year, I have been tapped to counsel a friend of a friend that has fallen into this sisterhood of warriors.   It's easy to just go about my life with these scars and experiences and memories, just as we all do.  With the passage of time, my story stays with me in my heart and in my narrative, but until I have to dust it off and present it to a new audience, so to speak, it seems far away.   I couldn't sleep last night.  Maybe an hour or so.  This state of hyper awareness, when you can hear every breath (mine, husband, dog), every movement, every kick on or off of the A/C, also gives way to a stillness.  I have fired up my still hyper awareness, and then fired off a very long email to this poor lady who was just asking me why I chose implant reconstruction.  I don't think she was expecting to read the dissertation that is awaiting her ...

I Really Wanted a Massage

If you have been reading this blog, you may have noticed that I keep mentioning this strange feeling of thoracic tightness.  Seriously, several times each day, I try to pull away the bra that is four sizes too small, to stretch it out or loosen it, only to find that THERE IS NOTHING THERE! The feeling of tightness is present one hundred percent of the time.  It never goes away.  The occasional stabbing pain is there. The deep zing is in my armpit, but just sometimes.  The skin and fascia at the inferior angles of my ribs are extremely sensitive, like hot spots.  The cutaneous nerves on my thorax are hypersensitive.  I can't sneeze without whimpering. Four weeks after my surgery, we went out of town and stayed at a lovely golf/beach resort.  I was looking forward to seeing two of my oldest girlfriends, and I noticed that there was a spa on the premisis.  Naturally, I booked a massage. Well, most of you know that I am a massage therapist. ...