Skip to main content

Now Even Softer

I am an educator.  If not by trade (which I am sometimes), then by personality.  I have always taken the time to explain things to people, the why.  I suppose that is the reason for this (rambling?) blog.

It started when I was in kindergarten.  I don't have a vivid memory of this actually taking place, but I have been informed that my mother received a call from my teacher, asking her to have a conversation with me about why I don't need to teach the other children in the class how to read.  In first grade, I was given a reading group to lead.  In high school, I tutored other students in chemistry.  College students.  (Thanks, Mr. Worley.)

I had to educated myself extensively on the subject of breast cancer, from the perspective of a patient.  Although I am not qualified to speak at a pathology symposium regarding cribriform vs. micropapillary growth patterns of ductal carcinoma, I can certainly hold my own in almost any other setting about the joys of mastectomy.

It has been six weeks since my last surgery, and I have healed beautifully.  I am FINALLY able to sleep (yay!), and I feel great.  I am slowly getting stronger, and I have less pain.  On a soft tissue level, my range of motion is still limited.  I have strength deficits as well, especially with activities that involve any overhead or protracted motion that recruits the pec major.

Despite my continued shortcomings, I feel like I was able to completely wrap my head around my brush with cancer, and I am so incredibly blessed that I had this experience, my experience.  I know that my reconstruction is truly a work of art, and I can't thank my team enough.  On a deeper level, I am a living example of the importance of early detection.

My recovery has been so remarkable that sometimes I forget what life was like before I received the very concerned call from my doctor.  I have forgotten what it felt like to have an intact body.  I can barely remember the absence of shooting nerve pain.  I almost forgot what a really great hug felt like, until yesterday, when I was finally able to really squeeze my little boy.  It was so sweet, I had to do it three times.

I now educate my patients and clients on the physical or physiological processes taking place within the landscape of their own bodies, in an effort to broaden their understanding of the why.  The experience that I've had over the last six months has allowed me a deeper empathy for them regarding their healing experiences, and for that I am grateful.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Fall, 2020

 And just like that, six years have come and gone. The years have seemed typical, I suppose, with laughter and love and friends and family.  We have watched our son grow (and grow and grow) into an incredible young teenager.  I have felt strong(ish), healthy, and whole.  I have worked with countless patients, volunteered excessively, and lived life, always trying to be the best wife, mom, and friend. I have also been uncomfortable.  I have felt, for the last six years, like my chest has been wrapped in the tightest industrial cellophane or tape you could imagine.  I have been unable to do even one pushup.  I have been unable to regain my shoulder flexion (overhead) strength, and I even tore my acellular dermal matrix (ADM or mesh) in a Pilates class.  I have been unable to lie on my stomach.  I have lost countless hours of sleep.   I have been unable to receive any MRI imaging to check for implant integrity, which was recommended wh...

A Farewell

Dear Tissue Expanders, Tonight is our last night together.  I'm breaking up with you. It's been real, these last three and a half months.  Really, real .  So real that you have been on my mind for every single waking moment, as well as countless non-waking ones.  Although our time has drawn to a close and you will be carelessly discarded in the morning for a pair of more demure implants, I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you how I feel:  it's not me, it's you. I thought I knew what I was getting into, choosing to go the tissue-expanders-to-implants route.  I heard that there was pain and discomfort with each subsequent fill, but I had no idea that you would become such a constant, pervasive force.  You have dominated most of my thoracic sensory nerve activity since Valentine's day.  You are all I feel.  Even now, after all this time, you're still the dominant presence.  I still feel like I'm wrapped tightly, and I give you ...

Summer 2023

Amazing how time flies, right?  The days are long, but the years are short.  For probably the fourth time this year, I have been tapped to counsel a friend of a friend that has fallen into this sisterhood of warriors.   It's easy to just go about my life with these scars and experiences and memories, just as we all do.  With the passage of time, my story stays with me in my heart and in my narrative, but until I have to dust it off and present it to a new audience, so to speak, it seems far away.   I couldn't sleep last night.  Maybe an hour or so.  This state of hyper awareness, when you can hear every breath (mine, husband, dog), every movement, every kick on or off of the A/C, also gives way to a stillness.  I have fired up my still hyper awareness, and then fired off a very long email to this poor lady who was just asking me why I chose implant reconstruction.  I don't think she was expecting to read the dissertation that is awaiting her ...